How to Avoid the Stress of Confrontation at Work
Do you get stressed out or nervous during a confrontation or tough conversation? If so, then this article is for you because I’m going to give you a simple trick you can use today.
I’m sure you know that uneasy feeling that bubbles up when you need to have an awkward conversation and confront someone on your team (or even your family). It’s very uncomfortable! But that’s not all, if you don’t deal with it, things might never improve…and could even get worse!
The Typical Response
Typically when we reach our limit of frustration and decide we are finally going to talk to them, …we freeze. Overcome with stress and anxiety about having to have that uncomfortable conversation; we end up doing nothing and ignoring the problem.
Or, we might toss out some passive/aggressive comments in hopes that they will pick up on our frustration and change. But this is just a feeble attempt at confrontation and might even increase the tension.
But It’s Not Your Fault
If that’s you, let me first say it’s not your fault. Your brain is actually tricking your body and causing all of that stress.
Let me explain…
When you find yourself in a confrontation, you enter what I call “the game”.
As you enter the conversation, you step onto the “battlefield” intending to convince them that they’re wrong and you’re right. Like two football teams getting ready to play each other, you try to win the game and get them to agree with your perspective.
This Is When Your Brain Tricks You
It tells your body that you have an opponent to defeat and prepares you for battle. Adrenaline rushes to the large muscle groups in your arms and legs so you can either take on your challenger or run away and avoid the confrontation.
What’s worse, this shift deprives your brain of needed blood, making it difficult to think clearly.
If this were an actual physical fight, this would be a good thing. But when you’re sitting in a conference room having a meeting, this is the exact opposite of what you need. You don’t need to run out of the room or attack someone, and you certainly do need to be able to think logically.
So What Do You Do?
There are a number of things you can do to lower your heart rate and regain control of your body. This Harvard Business Review article gives some good tips. But, I believe the most effective thing is to give your brain a problem to solve.
When the focus shifts from fight or flight to problem-solving, this will redirect the blood from your large muscles to your most valuable resource in this tough conversation, your brain!
But what problem does your brain need to solve? You need to try and find out what the other person is thinking and why they are doing what they are doing that’s driving you crazy or causing the problems.
This Is Where Most Of Us Get It Wrong
When someone upsets us, we naturally come to conclusions about what’s going on. They’re lazy or selfish or unmotivated or don’t care. We come up with a narrative that justifies our position. We set up a case against them in our head, and our goal becomes to get them to agree that we are right.
But, if we can change our goal to understand their perspective instead of assuming we know their motives, we give our brain something to focus on. It’s like going on a treasure hunt seeking the truth, not our assumption of truth.
The Benefits Of Making Our Goal Understanding?
- By asking them to help us understand their side of things, we send the signal that we care. This is important because when we show that we care about their perspective, we show that we care about them. And this starts to lower their anxiety because instead of a foe, they have to defend against they begin to see you as a friend they can trust.
- We might learn some valuable information that we didn’t know before. Many times the assumptions we make are wrong, and when we seek understanding, we actually become smarter and can make better decisions because we have better information.
For example, if I’m frustrated about a co-worker continually showing up late for work, it might help to get understanding before I draw conclusions about why. What if I were to found out that they were not lazy like I assumed? But instead, I learned that their spouse was recently diagnosed with cancer, and they had to drop them off at the hospital each morning for treatment. I might approach things a little differently.
My Story
Having the right goal is a technique I teach my clients in my PeopleSmart Communication program, but the other day I was able to put it into practice myself.
I jumped on a conference call, and what I thought was going to be a routine discussion quickly turned into a big division.
The line was drawn, and people quickly began taking sides. The tension was high, lingering frustrations from similar past experiences were brought back to life, and all of a sudden, we were on the “battlefield”. Each person was fighting for their position. Adrenaline was released, and people began to either flee or fight.
I was caught up in the emotion of the discussion and felt my heart rate increase and the temptation to push into the argument, but fortunately, the conversation was cut short.
That’s when I remembered my training. I called back a little later to understand their perspective instead of proving my point, and everything shifted.
It Was Like Magic!
The tension quickly evaporated on both sides. I was genuinely curious about how they felt and why they had their perspective. Showing empathy, I told them how much I understood where they were coming from and appreciated their point of view. Eventually, I realized that they had some legitimate reasons for their position, which gave me empathy for their perspective.
Then it was my turn. I explained my perspective, and now that their defenses were down, they actually listened instead of arguing.
Because we shifted our focus from fighting and digging our heels in to protect our position and showed the other person we cared about something other than winning an argument, we were able to work out an amicable solution.
And best of all, we came away as friends that we’re ready to keep working together and not enemies having to keep a watchful eye on our “competition.”
Conclusion
If you find yourself in the middle of a stressful confrontation, remember not to let your brain run the show by pumping your body full of adrenaline. Instead, give your mind a problem to solve.
Specifically, try and discover what the other person is thinking and why. Change your goal from trying to protect your position and win the conversation to seeking to understand the other person’s perspective. As you do this, you’ll feel the stress-causing energy drain from the conversation, and you’ll end up with two people talking through the issue with clear heads.
And most of all, you’ll be able to avoid the stress caused by an awkward confrontation.
Want To Learn More? – Free Conversation Mini-Course
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Thanks for reading and I hope it was helpful.
Charles
CharlesKown.com
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I’m Charles Kown. I love helping leaders accomplish their goals, become their best, and create thriving, productive teams.